Category Archives: Passing Rain

Keeping Her in My Memories; Embracing Her as She is Now

I have two main dates with which I’ve learned to cope, the anniversary of my daughter’s passing and her birthday, which falls in September. She’d be turning 29 this year and that is difficult to imagine. She’s frozen in my memory at nineteen.

As I move closer to determining a release date for “Passing Rain,” I thought blogging about her coming birthday might be a good way of better preparing for it. I haven’t always handled the anniversaries, the holidays, all those special days on which I feel her physical absence in the best of ways.

So to get ready for this post I searched online to see how others deal with these occasions. The advice that resonated the most with me came from Abraham Hicks. To connect with her as she is now I have to set aside the grief and be the best me I can be.

Keeping her as she was in my memories is fine, but I’ve already embraced her as she is now. I’ve mentioned many times that I think of her as my little inside connection. She’s no longer that nineteen-year-old Earthbound child I knew. She’s operating at a higher level and if a birthday while she was here focused on celebrating her advancement into a new year, shouldn’t her birthday now be focused on celebrating where she is now, in her most advanced state?

In order for me to connect with her I can’t hold myself down with pain and grief, because that isn’t where she is. I’m not saying I won’t still feel that grief at times, but accepting her more in her current state will help me to better cope with those moments. For her birthday this year I plan to concentrate on being the best me I can be and to honor her for being the magnificent being she is.

I’ve been doing this in my daily life for some time. I’ve thought of my loved ones who have passed and imagined them as the Grand Masters they are, my inside connections to that place from where we originate. I’ve felt their love and felt the connection. I believe in those moments I’m connecting because I’m coming into alignment with the real me. I’ll be keeping her in my memories, but embracing her as she is now.

What better time to nurture that connection than on her birthday?

Read about the dream that inspired me to write Passing RainFrom the Camel’s Mouth

From the Camel’s Mouth

I stood in a high place, both a church and a courthouse. Dark masonry covered the walls, while light flowed through stained glass windows in splashes of yellow, pink and blue. Respectful quiet permeated the space.

Before me stood three camels. Their size and the muskiness of their scent drove me back a step. A commotion broke out among the handlers of the one to my right. They spoke in rapid dialog in a language I didn’t understand, but their distress was evident none-the-less.

Something was stuck in the camel’s mouth. It knelt before me and its mouth opened like a computer-generated image. I hesitated a moment, then reached in with both my hands.

My fingers closed around an abundance of long, slender objects. They slipped as I gathered them and pulled them from the opening. Light fell across my hands, revealing pencils, pens and paintbrushes, too many to count. Again I reached into the camel’s mouth, withdrawing a second bundle and then a third.

The load was more than I could comfortably hold. I glanced around for a place to lay my burden. A door stood ajar off to one side. I entered to find court in session, the judge in her raised chair at the front. I glanced around quickly, not wanting to disturb the proceedings. No shelf, counter or cabinet presented itself.

The judge caught my eye and gave an almost imperceptible shake of her head. With that, I understood the bounty from the camel’s mouth was mine to keep.

This is the dream that directed me to write, “Passing Rain,” my story relating the events in my life from late 2004 through 2006. I interpreted the dream as saying the camels represented those three years. I researched dream meanings for camel and both “long hard journey” and “great sadness” struck a chord in me. I’d pulled creative tools and writing implements from the camel’s mouth (the mouth representing expression/communication). I had my directive. I had to write about those years.

My memoir is complete. Now what? Follow my journey here and discover with me where this project will land. Will it catch the interest of a mainstream publisher? Will I self publish it? I don’t yet know, but I trust it will end up where it is meant to be and if the only purpose in my writing this was for my own cathartic process, then I’ve accomplished that, at least. For my daughter, Jessie’s sake (aka Rain), though, I do hope our story will touch at least one other life and make all she experienced that much more meaningful.

Read an excerpt from “Passing Rain” here.